My Dearest Olivia,

I guess that I have been avoiding this blog because frankly I am terrified of writing your birthday letter. I have thought long and hard for the past 5 months about what I would say and how I would describe the incredible feelings that overwhelmed me that day, but I have just come to terms with the fact that these feelings are indescribable. My mom described it perfectly in my first Mother’s Day card: “Now you know what it feels like to love someone more than they will ever know.” And she is absolutely right, you can’t possibly understand how much I love you and I really don’t think I can even understand it. Many describe it as loving someone so much that you would die for them, but I think it is much more than that. So here is my crappy attempt (but I am OK with that) at describing how I feel about you and the most special day of my life.

I have dreamt of the day I would have my first child since I can remember holding my very first doll, of course the feelings were much simpler back then. A lot of little girls dream of their weddings but I dreamt of all of the little babies that would be mine to have and hold. As soon as I met your daddy I knew that he would be the best father and that is one of the big reasons I fell in love with him, and let me tell you… he does not disappoint! We talked about you from day one, well close to day one, that would have probably scared him! Who you would look like, would you have your daddy’s feet and would you have mommy’s nose? Would you be a softball player or daddy’s little caddy? What will be your first word and how long would we have to wait to hear those big belly laughs? How kind and generous your heart would be, which is one of the most important qualities one can possess my dear! The list goes on and on and while it was fun to banter about the type of person you would be and what you would look like, the mystery is even better!

When we decided that our lives were ready for your life we were oh so excited! After all, it is the biggest decision that we have made together. Those first couple of months were very exciting… wondering if God had sent you from above to finally make us a little family. I would count down the days each month and pray like crazy that that little pink line would make me the happiest person in the world. But, this journey proved to be a difficult one as each month went by and the feelings of sadness crept in. At the time I wished and prayed that getting pregnant would be easy and that you would bless us within three months and not three years. But as hard as getting pregnant was, I would not change a single thing about it. You see, in those heart-wrenching three years many things happened for your daddy and I that made us the type of people and parents that we needed to be. I do not like to describe it as becoming closer, because it was much more than that. Our relationship melded into the relationship that it needed to be. I fell in love with your daddy all over again but this time it was a different kind of love. For the first time in my life I needed someone and he was so good to me. Kind, loving, pacient and most of all he was strong when I couldn’t be. I had never had a situation bring me to my knees before and he was there for me every step of the way. You are lucky to have him as a father my little girl.

You also led me to someone else that I desperately needed in my life, God. I grew up a strong willed, independent woman and while that is good, it hindered my relationship with the Lord. See, my idea and His idea of how life should work did not always agree. It was my way or the highway and for most of my life it was my way… or so I thought. The best way to describe this whole ‘trying to get pregnant’ business is kind of like receiving a big ol’ slap in the face, a wake up call. When daddy and I had no where to turn we looked to where we should have been looking all along, up above. It was not pretty at first, but this is exactly what I needed. We had many talks during this time in my life and I am sorry to say that they were often filled with crying and anger. He knew when your birthday was going to be but mommy needed to learn a couple of things first. One of the biggest and most important things He taught me is patience, and He knew I was not ready for you yet. As much as I didn’t agree at the time, now I couldn’t agree more. You truly are a miracle and I thank God everyday for you!

Pregnancy was a breeze compared to the whole getting pregnant thing. I received the shock of a lifetime on June 17, 2009 when I found that faint pink line staring back at me. Daddy and I cried tears of joy and relief all day long and I could not stop rubbing my belly and telling you how much I already loved you. We adoringly referred to you as “the bean” and prayed that you would grow into a happy, healthy baby… and that you did! A few weeks of morning sickness and an ugly belly button were the worst parts but I was even thankful for those. As you will come to know and love, I am a usually a big ball of nerves (we have my job to thank for this) and that only grew right along with my belly. I constantly worried about your health and well-being and thankfully daddy kept the eye rolling to a minimum. Pregnancy continued to strengthen my relationship with God and this is the time in my life when I learned to trust in Him, and as He promised you are perfect for us!

I wrote to you each week and I talked to you all the time… you were and still are one loved little girl! I tried my hardest to get you to love 80’s music and Shel Silverstein books… we will soon see if all that hard work paid off. Your heartbeat was music to my ears and I LOVED to feel you move! Some of my favorite memories involved stealing sneak peeks of you on work’s ultrasound machine. All of the nurses loved to giggle at all of the silly things you would do! We shared secrets, fashion trends, the latest celebrity gossip and I told you all about your handsome daddy! I loved our games of tag even if sometimes it resulted in a kick to the cervix. Daddy called you his little soccer player and I called you my best friend. You were with me all of the time and I got to have you all to myself for 10 wonderful months! This time was one of the best times of my life and one I will cherish forever.

You got your stubbornness from mommy and it has been your way from day one. This quality leads me to remember your birthday, which is a memory that comes to mind several times a day. You, my dear, refused to put your head down so that you could be delivered the original way. I was getting a little upset about the prospect of having a cesarean section due to your stubbornness; however, the more I thought about it, I would not want to hang out upside down either. This forced me to do something I never though I would have to do… pick your birthday! This decision proved to be a lot easier than I had imagined. I just could not wait to meet you so I chose the earliest possible day to bring you into this world, February 19, 2010. I believe that God coaxed you into remaining breech because he knows how much of a planner (nice word for controlling) mommy is. So it was planned, the most special day of our lives, and the countdown began. In the end, I still secretly hoped that you would pick your own birthday, but you didn’t, and just like the rest of my life… God knew what he was doing! Excitement and anticipation filled the air in the days leading up to your arrival as daddy and I enjoyed the last of our single days. The night before I felt like a little girl on Christmas Eve, I could not wait for the morning to come so that I could meet my sweet baby girl for the first time. Needless to say, mommy did not sleep a wink that night.

Mommy and daddy were not the only ones filled with joy pending your arrival, many family members made the trek to Austin to meet you! Several of our family and friends crammed into the tiny pre-operative room and shared our thoughts about how much hair you would have and how big you were going to be. I have never felt such energy in one room and it was all centered around you. I remember stealing a few quiet minutes with you as you danced around in my tummy and I thanked God for giving me such a special gift. You were the closest anyone has ever been to my heart and I wanted to relish in such an incredible bond. Rubbing my big belly for the last time is something I will never forget! I felt as though you were giving me a pep-talk to calm my nerves as I walked into the operating room, I still could not believe that I was going to walk out of there a mommy! Daddy and I held hands and whispered about how much we love you as they were working on getting you out. Our lives were about to change forever and we could not be more excited!

Dr. Youngkin asked daddy to stand so that he could witness the moment his first child came into this world. I stared at him so that I may catch a glimpse into how he was feeling, but as I would soon discover, it is a precious moment that you and him share and it is not something for me to understand. I held my breath in anticipation as I waited to hear you take your first breath, and boy you did with gusto! With that breath I felt as though I was alive and as cheesy as it sounds my desires in life became so clear. The first glimpse I caught of you took my breath away as I saw first hand what the love your dad and I share had created. You were the most beautiful thing I have ever seen, even if you were as blue as a goose. You had that pouty lip working which is a face I have come to adore over the last several months. Your daddy rushed over to your bed to be with the new lady in his life and all I could hear through your cries was him say “Oh my God” as tears welled in his eyes. I caught a few glimpses of you through all of the people hovered around your bed, I still could not believe that you were my precious baby. After all of the pictures were snapped and the footprints taken they brought you to me all bundled in warm blankets. As soon as they laid you on my chest you stopped crying as you tried your hardest to open those big beautiful blue eyes. Even today, when I close my eyes, I remember this moment exactly as it was. You knew I that I am your mommy, it was written in your eyes. I kissed those sweet cheeks, caressed your fuzzy little head and whispered how much I love you in your ear.

Your daddy whisked you away to meet all of the other special people in your little life as I lay there in pure amazement. Forty-five minutes seemed like forty-five days as I waited in anticipation to have you in my arms again. Your daddy wheeled you into the recovery room with the biggest grin on his face, ‘seven pounds and three ounces’ he proclaimed! It is funny because you felt much bigger than that floating around in my tummy. You had a pink bow in your peach fuzz hair and your wrinkled little finger in your mouth as he put you in my arms. We just stared as we took each feature of one another in and it seemed like it was just you and I in the world. You were, and still are, the most beautiful thing I have ever seen… a perfect combination of both your daddy and I. I have no doubts that you will grow to be a gorgeous, strong, independent, and smart woman. I thank God for you everyday and I count my blessings each moment in life. I am so lucky that you picked me as your mommy.

I did not want to leave the recovery room, as it meant that I would have to share my sweet baby. You had already taught me the first of many life lessons, from feeding like a professional to how to love someone more than yourself. Your temperament was so calm and it brought feelings of sweet serenity to everyone around you. I stole you from the world each opportunity I had and we shared many sweet bonding moments just you, your daddy and I. Our world was finally complete and it felt as though life was just beginning. I don’t know how to thank you for enriching my life but I can promise you one thing for certain, that you are and always will be the most loved little girl in this world.

The best part of me will always be you.

My whole heart always,

Mommy

The Hami's

I'm Tara.

I’m a pretty awesome momma to an amazing little girl, Olivia, who along with my loving husband (Mike), is the center of my universe (is that enough adjectives for you?). In my free time I take care of 2-pound humans (really) and try to maintain some sense of calm in my newfound chaotic world. I like to use parenthesis and periods, am a terrible speller, an amateur photographer, a wanna be blogger, a wine ‘connoisseur’, a lake lover, a cowboy boot wearer, a decent cook, a workout hater, and I usually dance when no one is watching. My daughter has renewed my lust for life and I am so lucky that I get to be her mom… she is pretty amazing in case I haven’t mentioned it.

I'm Mike.

Tara’s my wife, and many would say I outkicked my coverage on that one. Olivia’s my daughter, and many would say I outkicked my coverage on that one as well. I’m a travel-holic, but only when my family is with me. I have a million ideas to make a million bucks, and maybe one of them will actually work. I love to play golf, but have played 3 times in 12 months. I love sports, but if I don’t have a vested interest a team playing, I don’t like to watch. I love my job, but not as much as I love to do absolutely nothing. In the immortal words of the ‘Office Space’ guy, “if I had a million bucks, I’d do absolutely nothing”; except enjoy my little family.

I'm Olivia.

I am the most adorable little girl in the world, and I have the personality to boot. I am full time walker and a part-time climber (sorry mama). I love to put bows in my hair, dance while everyone is watching, rub my be-be’s (dog) belly, give high-fives and fistbumps, put my shoes on my head, talk on my ‘phone’, blow my nose, flip through my books, blow you some smooches, play the pointing game (constantly), and I think my daddy is the funniest person on the planet. I am mean to my baby dolls and sweet to my mama and dawa. I can make you want to cry and then laugh within a 3 second time span. My greatest feat: making my mom and dad think they are in charge. Needless to say, I am a pretty cool chic.

Contact Mama T

If you have something nice to say:

tarahamilton7"at"gmaildotcom

If you are mean, then please don't waste your time. I try to live in an ignorant bliss :)